Darkness and Light

 I've struggled for quite a while what to write about.  So much has happend to everyone this year, it is difficult to understand, and as I say, 'we are all in this together yet separate'.

My life got turned upside down January 8 when I underwent surgery for prostate cancer.  Should have been a routine procedure, but boy did it go south quickly.  Rare and difficult complications put me in a lifestyle that has been a challenge to say the least.  With any luck, my life will return to normal before summer.

Adding to that, Pam's parents both passed away within six weeks of each other.  Dad went peacefully in his sleep.  Mom declined after Dad's passing, and we watched her linger.  They will be buried together on their wedding anniversary of 70 years.  Beautiful occasion as their marriage was strong and inspirational.

So now I come to Darkness and Light.  We just passed the Winter Solstice.  Ending the slow journey into the shortness of the day, and with that more darkness every day.  Then on December 21 it turned around, as it allways does with this event.  It has to be this way.  The earth is so perfectly balanced that all the natural phenomenon that happen throughout history are not optional, they are part of our existance and survival.  It is a beautiful thing.  Having said that, winter solstice is not always easy.  The long nights, the bitter cold (12 degrees tomorrow morning! Pray for our homeless).  And yet, we know that each day moving forward will get longer and give us more light of day, until summer solstice repeats the cycle.

As for me, I sometimes feel that the darkness can be unbearable in comfort and progress to get better.  Yet as I reflect on the winter solstice, I realize that what has happend in my life this year WILL turn around.  For every difficult challenge I have experienced, I have been blessed with an outpouring of support and love from so many people, and so has Pam with her loss.  Speaking of Pam, she has truly been my Guardian Angel.  Sometimes it takes getting knocked down before I can appreciate how much I really have.  I realize I cannot dwell on the past, and won't expect any more (or less) than what my dear Lord has waiting for me.  I have been blessed with many things, Faith, Love, Family, resources to live comfortaby and loving supporting friends.

I guess today's blog is my form of prayer in saying "Thank you God for all you have given me, and I pray that I have the strength to continue to appreciate these blessings."

PATIENCE !!!

Patience.  How long does it last?  How long does it take?  What is it?
Been working on it.  One of my weakest virtues.

Some have patience by nature, some by practice, some by suffocation.

With my recent situation, I have been "forced" into practicing patience, or giving up.  Turns out, giving up is not an option.  I'm okay with that.  I have longed to be able to practice patience for much of my life.  My father was the "poster boy" of patience.  I never really understood how he did it.  Some day, if I am lucky enough to meet him in heaven, I can ask him how he was able to find this place in life. 

Life has a way of drop kicking some of us into a place that makes us face challenges head on.  We have choices.  Move forward, retreat, wait.  Some  things limit our choices.

Because of my medical situation, I have been confronted with many choices, which have required choices.  How do I get through this?  Where do I go from here?  Why bother, whatever is going to happen will happen.  Do I care? Does it matter?

Ultimately, I realize I have one life to live, and I need to need to deal with what is happening, and what is the best path forward.  In my mind, this is my confronting patience.  Not easy, not fun, but necessary.

I have promised myself to move forward and trust the Driver to take me where He wants me to go.  I will follow him and trust in him, and be happy where He leads me. 

Sheesh

I got ready to sit down and write some profound ideas.  Earlier I went to the store (mask in place and gloves) to get a few things that we "needed".  Impulse buying.  I saw caramel vanilla ice cream.  Just now, I got ready to write, and thought, "I'm gonna have some of that".  I opened the carton and realized I picked up chocolate chip mint instead.  Oh well, I'll munch on it anyway.  So much for profound motivation  : >).

I've had a couple of songs going through my head recently.  We collectively have experienced some strange times.  The "Corona" virus has turned our world upside down.  Visit with your friends?, celebrate special occasions?, be part of the world?  Not so much.

The songs going through my head are, "Big yellow taxi - Joni Mitchell" and, "If your going through Hell - Rodney Akins".

Mitchell: Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got till it's gone, you take paradise and put up a parking lot.

Atkins: If you're going through Hell, keep on going, don't slow down.  If you're scared, don't show it.  you'll get out before the devil even knows you're there.

I guess change is inevitable, ie Mitchell.  Personal struggles we eventually all face, some more difficult than others, ie Atkins.

So the question is, what do we do with our lives and these challenges?

Personally, I can roll with the punches (Mitchell) on the virus thing.  Only so much we can control.  By the grace of God I don't have to go to work (retired!!).  I stay in touch with everyone that I love, and keep my mask on when I go out.

I've had significant physical struggles this year (Atkins).  I've learned that perseverance, patience, and trust are essential to "going through Hell",

I'm learning that so much is not under my control, so I have to let my Yellow Bus Driver decide the route, show me the way, and accept what He has in mind for me, and help me through the "tough times.

Please be safe, listen to the birds in the morning, and stay the course.  Blessings.

Life goes on

It's not my normal to post one day after another, but here it goes.

When I went out to get my newspaper at 4:45 AM today, (yup, still an early riser) I saw the moon in it's glory.  As I look outside at 4:00 PM I see rain dripping off the roof.

So where does this put me, or us in the world of struggle.  Be it corona virus or major surgeries it doesn't matter.

I remember when I was a young man (ancient history :-) ) sitting on a bluff waiting for an unlucky deer to wander by and put himself into my gun sights.  I saw birds flying, and squirrels running around.  This was during the Viet Nam war.  I remembered how in spite of the mess we were in, God took care of what he created.  The birds still flew, and the squirrels still scampered.  I'll never forget that.

The reason I reflected on that time, is that I realize that no matter what I, or the world faces right now, look at the birds, listen to them sing, watch them build their nests, watch the squirrels scamper.  There is a book written by Mac Lucado titled you'll get through this.

I realize that my journey is mapped by the Driver, not by what I expected from my "trip".  He is in charge!

Bus wreck!

I'd done all the planning.  Research, consultations with doctors, listening to everyone with an opinion.  I chose UNM hospital 60 miles away, good doctor, good hospital.
When a person plans a trip, it instead can turn out to be a journey.  Best laid plans can change (sometimes in a big way).

A few months back I posted about learning about my prostate cancer.  I wasn't scared (although surprised).  I chose removal of the prostate as my path of cure.  I had confidence in my doctor, and Pam was at my side.  Going into the hospital, I knew that there would be discomfort, but I was sure recovery would be okay.

BUS WRECK!  The first week after surgery, I was progressing well, and felt that all was going to be okay.  8 days later I started a fever.  Called the doctor, and he said I needed to get to the emergency room.  We got there around 8:00 PM.  Within hours, my condition worsened.  My doctor was alerted, and ordered a CAT scan.  With the look in his eyes, I knew all was not good.  "We've got a problem" he said. A second surgery in less than 10 days.  Colostomy and second catheter.  A week in the hospital, and another surgery.

Things were not good.  Much pain and anxiety.  What started out to be a straight forward albeit major surgery, turned out to put me into a potential 2 years or more of healing and recovery.  I was knocked down hard, physically, emotionally, and somewhat spiritually.  That's when I had to dig in and listen to the Driver.  "This isn't  a wreck, its just a detour.  You have to trust me" He said.  It didn't feel like that, but I trusted Him and all the support of the people around me,
Pam stayed by my side the whole time.  She and her sisters got a hotel room.  My daughter Linda flew in unexpectedly from New York to spend a week at the hospital with us.  Love and support poured in.

It's been 10 weeks.  I'm feeling stronger.  I'm driving, and becoming a little more independent.  I'm learning to manage my new "buddies" colostomy and catheters.  Daily mass via television has been a Godsend (I get to share Mass with the Driver).
When faced with major challenges, I've learned to trust my Driver, and accept the path I'm on. 
I wish I could name all the people that have helped me either physically or spiritually or emotionally.  If you are reading this, please know who you are.  If you are one of my followers,  I ask for your prayers, not only for me, but for all who are suffering.  Also pray for the world.  It is struggling too.

I have mentioned before, if you wish to comment, please direct them to ortiz.tom103@gmail.com
This blog doesn't seem to get any comments to me.  Blessing to all.